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Forgetting What’s Fair and Accepting Life for What It Is

Happy New Year

I know it’s been awhile since my last post. The past couple of months have been difficult for me and I just needed some time to myself to reflect. As I look back on 2014, I am filled with a mixture of emotions. I am thankful for the courage to confront my demons and allow myself to live a more authentic life.

When I wrote my first blog, I wanted to show how I overcame my depression in hopes of helping others that struggle with this horrible illness. In reality, that just wasn’t the case. It took a while for me to accept that depression wasn’t an obstacle to overcome, but it was a part of me. This was one of the hardest things I had to accept because as a Christian you are taught that God will not give you more than you can handle. I struggled with finding a healthy way to cope with an illness that was all consuming and taking me over the edge. I prayed every night for God to take the pain away. The techniques I learned from therapy helped, but unfortunately no amount of therapy or praying can save you from life. It happens whether you are prepared or not.

My darkest hour came this summer when I experienced several deaths back to back and I couldn’t shake the guilt. Why did I feel guilty? When you have had moments where you contemplated or attempted to take your own life, you never forget it. By the grace of God I was able to fight off those urges and feelings of emptiness that led me to believe that was my only option. Seeing people that I loved and cared for lifeless brought back all those feelings. Why did their lives have to end? Why didn’t I spend more time with them? Why were they taken instead of me? I am not important; no one needs me. I don’t have a family that depends on me to take care of them. If I died sure people would be sad, but they would go on with their lives.

Two of the people that died were parents and one was a child that barely got to experience life. I would have given anything to take their place because it hurt me to my core to see the ones they left behind grieving. They were the heart and soul of their family and I couldn’t believe they were gone. Their sons and daughters will have to grow up without their mom and dad. The innocent child that passed away had health problems throughout her entire life. She was deprived of going to middle school, falling in love, getting her driver’s license, buying her first house, etc. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It wasn’t fair. They didn’t deserve the cards they were dealt.

I have always been a sensitive introvert that feels deeply. When I say I love you or call you friend, I mean it. I take all my relationships seriously. Once I let you in, you’ll be in my heart forever. I don’t throw words around because I understand their power. No matter how hard you try there’s no escaping your thoughts or feelings. The highs of life are breathtaking and the lows are devastating. I have never felt more sorrow and despair. Making progress was short-lived because it only made me feel guilty for moving on. I also envied them a little because they were free from the horrible world that we live in full of hate, bigotry, and no regard for human life.

As I mourned, it became clear that I was looking at the situation from the wrong perspective. There was no point in comparing or determining whose life was more valuable because every life has value and is precious. Isolating myself from people and beating myself up for still being alive would not bring them back. In addition, the people that died would not want me to wallow in my sorrows. They would want me to be happy and live life to the best of my ability. This tragedy gave me a better appreciation for life and forced me to let go trivial things. It allowed me to refocus my attention on what matters and mend relationships with people that were once estranged to me.

Living with depression is a daily struggle. Some days I wake up feeling fine and other days I am saddened that I have lived to see another day. I want to stress that admitting that doesn’t make me any less of a Christian. I believe that sometimes God gives each of us our own cross to bear. Depression is mine. You wouldn’t tell a person dying from a disease that if they die or are never cured it is because of their lack of faith. So telling a person struggling with depression to simply get over it or stop being sad is just absurd and cruel. I would argue that having a mental illness is just as hard as a physical illness because there is no quick fix or pill that makes you all better. You have to make a conscious effort to figure out what method of treatment works for you and even then there are no guarantees. Robin Williams received a lot of criticism for committing suicide. So many accused him of being selfish and having no reason to be unhappy. All I could feel was empathy and compassion because I know it was the hardest decision he ever made. We are all in the pursuit of happiness and no amount of money or success can make you whole. You are the only person that can unlock the key to a fulfilling life. I encourage everyone to be more understanding and less judgmental. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength and desire to be happy. I know that bad things will happen in life and no one can save you from them. You have to take the good with the bad. I want to embrace my sensitivity and give myself the freedom to feel emotion without shame or fear of society’s disapproval.

In 2015, I want to let go of last year’s baggage. I’m at peace with who I am and where I’m going. I appreciate everyone that supports and encourages me. Writing is very therapeutic and I gain more confidence every time I share my truth. My goal is to start writing a post at least once a week, so get used to hearing from me! Meditating and focusing on a scripture or inspirational quote helps me start the day off right on a positive note. So I will definitely start sharing more of those in the future. I’ll also post more TV recaps and movie reviews.

Happy New Year everyone and I pray this year will be prosperous and memorable ☺

Death is the New Black – Part 2

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I think all of my fellow Gladiators were both shocked and saddened by Jake killing James Novak. Personally, I felt that David was more of a threat to the republic than James because he’s relentless and determined to uncover the veil of political cover-ups. James was merely giving empty threats at the end of the day. Nevertheless, the episode was a testament to Cyrus and James’ whirlwind relationship.

 

 

James was the missing element in Cyrus’s life and he ultimately made Cyrus accept his true self. In the beginning of their courtship James was the aggressor and I loved how they showed the progression of Cyrus’ walls breaking down with each encounter. For example, Cyrus shaved his beard after James made a negative comment about it. On the surface it seems like an insignificant gesture, but that was a huge step for a guarded person like Cyrus.

 

It was nice to see a more vulnerable side of Cyrus since he always carries himself like a powerhouse alpha male. James forced Cyrus to stop lying to himself and start embracing his truth. I’m sure coming out is difficult for everyone, but being a gay man in the Republican party would probably seem like professional suicide. The scene where Cyrus finally concedes to make his relationship public by dancing with James at the ball was so beautiful because it was the final step in making their relationship official. It also showed James that he was no longer Cyrus’ dirty little secret.

 

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When Cyrus succumbed to his grief at the press conference, my heart sank because it was so beautifully acted and genuinely profound. The viewer could visually see in that moment that Cyrus had finally comes to terms with the fact that the love of his life is gone and it’s all his fault. The guilt/agony was written all over his face.  His ambition for power ultimately wasn’t worth sacrificing his relationship.  It will be interesting to see how Cyrus unravels now that his anchor and emotional tether is gone.

 

 

The episode culminates with the Jake staying with James as his life slipped away. This was another poignant scene because it showed that Jake wasn’t a complete monster and there is some good left inside him. I don’t think anyone would want to die alone. I appreciated the sincerity of the dialogue between the two because it encapsulated all the things that probably go through ones mind during their last moments on earth.

 

The only silver lining to James death is that it fueled the fire for Olivia and David to take overthrow B613. I’m going to miss the positive energy that James character brought to the show. I definitely believe they gave him a deservingly honorable death.

 

Death is the New Black – Part 1

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My week has not been very cheery since two of my favorite shows decided to kill off some major characters.  Teen Wolf’s “Insatiable” and Scandal’s “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” rendered me inconsolable after Allison Argent and James Novak kicked the bucket in both a beautiful and poignant way. Each of these characters played an intricate role in the series and acted as glue that keeps the ensemble cast connected. Both shows have truly dynamic characters that you become emotionally invested in which makes their fictional deaths so meaningful to avid viewers like myself.

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I loved the personal progression of Allison Argent in the past 3 seasons.  In the first season she was just a sweet, naïve, girl next door with a heart of gold on the surface. However, if you look a little closer you could see her inner strength from her conviction and physical prowess in her warrior like abilities to handle various weapons.  Her relationship with Scott was pure and genuine despite the disapproval from her family and Lydia. When the season ended Allison had to come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend was a werewolf and her werewolf hunting family had been trying to kill him the whole time.

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At the beginning of season two, you see that their love had overcome the whole werewolf issue and they were committed to defying the odds. This task proved to be Herculean when her absentee grandfather Gerard came into to town. As Allison grew closer to Scott, she withdrew further and further from her family. After the death of her mother, the once carefree, loveable girl became distraught and jaded. The relentless scheming of Gerard eventually wore her down and she became a vengeful drone. Embracing her desire to not be a victim allowed her character to evolve into a misguided heroine. It also made her lose that child like innocence and matured her in a way that only tragedy can. I respected her decision at the end of the season to breakup with Scott because she needed that only time to deal with everything that had transpired.

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Season three gave the viewers Allison 2.0. She was an independent force to be reckoned with as she personified her newfound protector mantra by protecting those who can’t defend themselves. Her friendship with Lydia was solidified when the newly single girls helped each other get through their painful breakups with Scott and Jackson. I began to see her as a female version of Scott in a way because she was fighting with him instead of being the damsel in distress. It was refreshing to see their friendship evolve and not turn into a typical teenage breakup. They handled it maturely and allowed each other to move on with different people.

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Allison Argent epitomized the idea that women can be strong and powerful without giving up their femininity. She displayed vulnerability when she broke down with Sheriff Stilinski and admitted to not being fearless, but petrified while questioning the decisions leading her up to this point. That scene humanized her and was poignant because it showed that even the fiercest people break sometimes and it’s ok because no one will think any less of you. This made her death so profound because she had such a positive impact on all the characters and she lived a lifetime worth of pain, but managed to find peace in the end. I was so happy that she was able to convey how she felt to all of the men in her before she died. The scene with her father was a culmination of how far she has come as a hunter, but more so as an individual after she made her mold an arrowhead instead of the traditional sliver bullet. I’m glad she was able to express her feelings to her father since she wasn’t given that chance with her mother.

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Her unabashed love for her friends and family unfortunately led to her demise. Despite the warning not to find her by Lydia and her father pleading with her not to leave, Allison chose to save her best friend. When the Oni struck her with the sword, I must say my heart sunk in my chest. Lydia’s scream symbolized the agony that everyone felt in that moment. The dialogue between Scott and Allison was so eloquently brought to life. It was heartbreaking when Scott couldn’t take away her pain because this was the first time he wasn’t able to save the day. She died honorably and her character will be sorely missed.

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I can’t wait to see how this affects the storyline and characters. I do have a couple of predictions. I think that the bullet casing is either Allison’s mom or Gerard. You never saw her dead body and she turned into a wolf before she was stabbed. Therefore, she could have healed herself. The casings could also be Gerard’s, which could lead to the Argent’s wreaking havoc on everyone to avenge her death. Only time will tell, but either way it’s been one heck of a season!

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What are your thoughts about this season and Allison’s death?

I’ll share my thoughts on Scandal next so stay tuned!

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